A True and Factual Account of the Inaugural Traditional Carshalton Straw Jack - an august event held in September.
“So hidous was the noise, a, benedicitee!
Certes, he Jakke Straw and his meynee
Made meynee shoutes that were so shrille,
Whan that they wolden any Fleming kille,
And thilke day was started at the Fox,
Of bras they broughten bemes, and a box,
Of horn, of drumme, on whiche they blewe and powped,
And therwithal they shriked and they howped.
It semed as that hevene sholde falle”
(Apologies to Big Jeff Chaucer)
Three natural substances lay haphazardly on the pavement and in to the road outside Molyneux’s residence - string, wood and straw. These were due to be transformed within twelve hours into a structure that could be carried from pub to pub, with the hope of the carrier adding bounce and vitality without the whole thing falling to pieces. Molyneux knew what the thing was going to look like, but perhaps was not the best at building. Spider was good at building, but could not picture Molyneux’s design - neither from the original childish sketch, nor from the cough punctuated verbal description. Newson did not have any idea of how to build it or what it was supposed to look like.
At 10:30 the following morning, the task of covering the frame began. The straw had been gathered a month or so previously and stored in white plastic sacks by Molyneux’s front door. A sheet of paper was taped to the sacks bearing the legend “Not Rubbish”. The dustmen had clearly read this and not seeing a similar sign elsewhere had quite reasonably cleared the rest of Molyneux’s front garden. No doubt they would have also cleared his house had not the front door been closed at the time. Newson was first on the scene (other than Molyneux, who lived there) and was dressed in his standard baggy cords, hob-nail boots, tweed jacket, tie and grubby waistcoat, a shirt that did not match and a brown hat - he liked a brown hat. He was not very good at kit - his talents did not really lie in that direction - and to be honest, he did not look much different than usual. Spider and his good lady Jill were next to arrive. Jill was dressed as a trollop and Spider was dressed as an Archer with the crotch and arse of his trousers missing. He also wore a blue coat that he thought made him look more Archer-like, but in fact made him look more like Buttons of Pantomime fame.
At this stage, the attendants for the day had started to gather. Charlie Waters looking like an adult Artful Dodger in his battered top hat and John and Liz Beeching from Hastings, John in an autumnal tatter coat freshly prepared by his wife and she in a medieval looking dress, fresh from John’s wardrobe. At this point, in line with the theories of Sir Isaac Newton, the Jack fell over. Despite the state of play the previous night, the Straw Jack actually arrived at the official starting point five minutes early. Others now joined the group: Bugle and Mrs. Bailey, the latter of whom was also wearing trollop’s garb. (She quickly changed out of the said garb and put on her costume for the day), Rick King and Steve Turner in his monk’s outfit - something he wore out of habit.
Across the road for a photograph with the decent bloke who runs Londis, then up Westcroft road accompanied by the massed drums of Rumpledrumskin to the first pub - The Fox and Hounds. The drummers gathered in a semi-circle and Newson spun the Jack in an effort to put on a bit of a show. The Jack held together and there was then a good feeling that it was going to get round the course. As The Fox was the first watering hole, the company dispersed to the bar and idle chatter was the order of the day. Nobody was particularly boisterous at this stage, apart from Spider for whom it was natural persona. Passing cars showed their support by tooting their horns, although it is doubtful that they had much idea what they were tooting. One driver, who did not sound his horn, stopped to ask the way to Tooting and another driver who had come from Tooting stopped to ask the way to Hornchurch.
Molyneux carried the Jack for the next leg. Newson started off with a tune on
the melodeon, almost certainly “Speed the Plough”. The drummers played with him
for a couple of bars and then burst into something far more lively and
interesting. {Later}. The Greyhound has always been most welcoming of all things
traditional and John and Judy kept up the standard. The car park was partly
cordoned off for The Company who gave the usual noisy finale for this particular
leg of the journey. John then brought out a seemingly endless supply of jugs of
beer, cider for Rick and wines for the ladies. Newson was now a good six pints
up the road and decided that this was the best time for the first rendition of
John Barleycorn. He thought the rendition rather good, particularly as he did
not think his talents really lay in that direction. The response (if any) of the
audience was not recorded.
Messrs. McTiernan, Hannah and their respective wives now joined The Company for
the rest of the procession. (The McTiernan digital camera produced over one
hundred photographs to record the historic event). The drummers performed
another set and it was off to the Windsor Castle.
Little is known of the journey to the Windsor Castle. Due to the hospitality of The Greyhound, Newson was now in the worst state he could ever not remember while carrying a Jack. The whole leg of the procession was a complete blank to him, although photographic evidence shows the Jack waiting at a bus stop and standing next to a petrol pump in the Texaco garage waiting to be filled up. Nevertheless, he maintained his cherished record of never having fallen over while in control (or not, as the case may be) of the Jack.
And finally away from the Windsor Castle, through Honeywood, past the tallest London Plane tree in Britain and on to The Sun. After spinning round outside the front of the pub, before an audience of none, the Jack was escorted to the yard. Ever since the scheme was originally hatched, Molyneux was insistent that the Jack be burnt. It seemed to be his burning desire. Newson and Spider had long since come to the conclusion that he was an arsonist and other members of The Company, their hearing blunted by the noise of the drums, agreed.
The original proposal was that the Jack be burnt whole. The manager of The Sun had other ideas, claiming that in the event that his pub burnt down, his insurers would not be sympathetic to his claim that it was a publicity stunt to make the pub as hot as it’s name suggested. So Bugle Bailey, that purveyor of fine braziers, brought one along and the Jack was burnt piecemeal. Spider took the opportunity to lie on his back and roll Archer-like in the straw whilst simultaneously playing the drum.
Rosie, of Pete and Rosie fame, then sorted out The Company with some grub - a fine chilli, with jacket spuds, followed by a cooling syllabub. There was plenty to go round as she had catered for the forty people that Molyneux reckoned were coming up from Hastings. In reality there were only two. There were more comments as to his talents as an arsonist.
To conclude, the inaugural Traditional Carshalton Straw Jack had been a great
success. Other than the route and food, nothing was particularly organised,
which made for lively day of merry anarchy.
Story of 05 Will appear here. It rained - before and after :)
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